Ensemble Playing

Sept 14, 2009

2009-09-14T13:56:00.000-07:00

While many who have gone home have managed to seamlessly integrate themselves into their old lives, my sojourns of being home have only served to highlight changes, differences and preferences for the new.

While many have found it difficult to build a diverse network abroad, I have found it difficult to accept the homogeneity of home.

While many who have been abroad long for the comforts of home, I live for the independence and anonymity of being foreign.

While many crave for the familiarity of comfort foods, I am satiated with promises of baguettes and sushi.

Nonetheless, I don't feel at home here. And yet I don't long to be anywhere else.

Hello again

2009-09-10T14:28:00.000-07:00

In the two months that I have neglected this space, I have gained meaningful employment, saw old friends, made new ones, projectile-vomited that reeked the building I live in, and buried an uncle while away at a wedding.

These past weeks have been especially interesting. I attended my first ever French Jewish wedding. Needless to say, it was interesting: the DJ bore a resemblance to Cat Stevens (before he became known as Yusof Islam), the first dance was to 'Blue Danube', the bride and groom headbanged to 'Highway to Hell' (as requested by the wedding witness) and the groom didn't have a tie for his own wedding because Parisian ties were not good enough. Damn those Parisian ties.

While it may seem like a wedding in France is the ideal getaway for us Londoners, it must be noted that it took us a good 14 hours to get there - as a basis for comparison, it took our New Yorker friends 11 hours to get to the same place. Nonetheless, Brittany is absolutely gorgeous, the stuff of picture books. Not the same can be said of the girls.

Things are remarkably different now from just two weeks ago. The weather too has changed; it's colder now and even when I seek out sunshine, the chilly undertone of the atmosphere can be felt on one's skin. Already, I feel like a veteran, a creature of habit and routine. Like the beginning of most things bad for you, this feels almost pleasurable and most certainly good.

The One with the Friends Reference

2009-07-03T17:41:00.000-07:00

So far, I've been able to avoid talking moving away. Then Kevin had to go do this (re screen shot), effectively bursting the dam. I spent a portion of my afternoon reminiscing over what we affectionately and aptly term 'the end of an era'.

Our sojourn in Vancouver concerned itself with worries and problems that in retrospect seem negligible in light of our new found status as adults. At that point in our lives, our biggest headaches were assignments and class schedules.

We lived our lives like lyrics of an MGMT song. It's especially true because Vancouver is so drug-obsessed. We talked about people we knew, people we didn't know and people we wanted to know.

I do miss Vancouver. Most of my growing up was done there. Most of my ideals, aspirations and inspirations were drawn from the professors who taught me, the people I sat and smoke with, and the people who passed me by on the corner of Robson and Burrard.

Granted though, I never did see myself being a resident of Vancouver. I couldn't stand the thought then and still cannot stand it now. Vancouver is very easy to be sick of. It's the perfect transitionary city, in my opinion.

Much as I liked it, I could not have chose a more opportune moment to leave. I left it at the height of my glory days: an apartment in the West End, the neverfuckingending snow, strangers on my couch and a well-stocked fridge.

To its end, Vancouver was both a faithful friend and a sleazy bastard. There are many things I miss about it and yet I can't say I am sorry I left.

Come Fall

2009-06-28T10:11:00.000-07:00

Now that I find myself making my home in the Northern Hemisphere again (in the geographical context, not the political one), I find little excuse to restrain from browsing. It's been a while since I visited Etsy. The last time I did, this girl and her offerings sent my heart into palpitations. I vowed to spend my next paycheque on her but alas that paycheque never materialized. Today, I make the same vow. Her name is Yokoo and she blogs here. I think she's extraordinarily talented.

Three Ring Chain in Barley

The Elizabeth Pom Pom

The Pembroke Cowl

The Cambridge Chain
Pictures credit: Yokoo's Etsy Page

I lifted the pictures from Etsy and in the process I hope I have not infringed upon any copyright laws. I am more than happy to credit unto Ceasar what is due to Ceasar.

In the event that the illusionary paycheque decides to evade me again, I just might settle on this as a consolatory gift.

Hello

2009-06-26T16:52:00.000-07:00

Oh wow, it's been a while eh? The latest is that I've arrived in the UK. As much as I'd like to say I am in London, the sad truth is that I am not. I am currently in Guildford and it is very much like being in Klang. Small town, an hour or so away from the real city, got a main street, got a mall, yadda yadda. We're living with the 'rents till we have jobs to facilitate rent payments and everything that goes with that. Since my last post, quite a bit has happened. Most notably is my being engaged, renewed and improved sisterhood with Sheema, Sarika's going away in September and my parents separated by continents. Nonetheless, true to the old adage, some things (and people) do not change.

These days, I spend most of my days internet surfing, internet surfing, job hunting, food cooking and soap watching. I started of this post with something witty and intelligent to be said but then I lost the plot.

Anyhow, it's nice to say hello. I promise it won't be so long before I next call on you. Oh, True Blood is damn on!

STS

2009-03-03T11:35:00.000-08:00

My new-found mission in life (for now, that is) is to theorize an academic discourse that people will be quoting and talking about years and years from now. My area of concentration is small towns that are too small for its own good. I hypothesize that small-towners live caged, scrutinized lives whose abilities and talents are limited and constrained by small minds and the disability to recognize that a much bigger world exists outside said small town. As testament of my dedication to this project, I have spent a month and a half and will be spending another 2 months or so in a small fucking town in bum-fucking nowhere.

So far, a fellow researcher-cum-compatriot (lest I be taken in by small town and undergo conversion) has remarked that "everyone in this town thinks and act like they're Blair Waldorf except that they're not". I realise it is a very elementary observation but I believe this reveals volumes into the mentality of this town; the mentality that is henceforth known as Small Town Syndrom (STS).

The Motherland

2009-01-19T01:19:00.000-08:00

This is for Sarika who I know is passing out more often than she will care to admit to.

Home is well, home. Nothing much has changed since I left four years ago. The routines remain the same, the people have aged a little but their habits untouched. It doesn't take any effort for me to fall into the routine - nothing is strange, different or unusual. Which in turn is unusual; I expected to feel like a stranger, to be introduced to new things, new people. Instead I come home to well, home. Nothing much has changed since I left four years ago.

I suppose we can have a conversation about the insignificance of my presence but I rather not.

Mummy is a lot better, both health-wise and emotionally. The surgery really did help and The Skoros were right about the surgery renewing her lease on life.

I miss Vancouver immensely. It is difficult to compare life here to that in Vanc. because it is so drastically different but Vancouver will always hold for me a large chunk of affection and sentiment. My affection may come too little too late but having placed it in the hands and hearts of people (as opposed to places and things) I am confident I will see everyone again sometime soon and it will all be good.

Being "at home" is a psychological condition more than it is a physical one. To be able to so effortlessly integrate myself into a routine that hasnt changed much is a comforting notion, it is the stuff of Petronas adverts and Christmas cards. At the same time, it is a stark reminder of how far removed I am from this routine and how much change I have imposed on my life away from home.

Nonetheless, it is good to be home.

In other news,

2008-12-19T14:40:00.000-08:00

Kevin dedicated a post to me. *heart heart*

Homeward bound...

2008-12-13T22:21:00.000-08:00

in less than a month. The plan is to stop in Taipei for a couple of days because we can, then head home so I can start eating nasi lemak everyday.

Just got home from Whistler today; it was good fun! As usual, I do not have any photographic evidence/memories of my endeavors but I hold it in good faith that it will be on Facebook soon - in fact, Tereza's album is already up and I've tagged myself.

I don't think the pictures do the beauty that is Whistler sufficient justice. Like the rest of the conditions plaguing today's world, our stay coincided with drought week. Only five runs were open and the bottom of the hill was mostly green. Towards the end of the week though, it snowed and it was truly beautiful. It then became ffffucken cold and I was more than happy to admire scenery from the inside of a Greyhound.

So I did pass all my courses so I will be graduating. My aunt was quite distraught to learn that I wasn't planning on being in Vancouver for my convocation; so much so that she bribed me with plane tickets (I tried to justify my decision by claiming travel costs) so I guess I might be here in June after all. Mike will be living downtown by then so it all sounds quite good right now.

Now that all is said and done, the closing of this chapter is quite anti-climatic. Aside from the personal perception that I am a victim of academic injustice, I also cannot be arsed to fill out appeal forms, chase emails and see heads of departments for a minuscule grade bump. Too much work, too little pay-off.

These days, most trade-offs are not worth much to me anymore. For instance, while in Whistler I opted to stay in and watch 16 episodes of Friends because I rather that than put on an extra pair of socks to go out. Of course, I got called a number of names (and rightly so too) but I can't say I regret it. After four months of desiring regression but forcing some action out of myself, I do think I am justified. I am loving every moment of laziness - I do think I have earned it.

On the other hand, the house is a mess(!) as we sell/give/store/ship the accumulated evidence of my last four years and Andi's last two. Discarding possessions and packing boxes should make me sentimental for the last four years of the life that I have built for myself here in Vancouver but it hasn't. More than anything, I am anxious to just get it done with so I can go out and see the people that I will miss. My thoughts these days are steeped with excitement; excited at the prospect of moving to a new city, meeting new friends and reuniting with old ones, celebrating CNY at home, conversations with Suzi, seeing places I've never seen before, making decisions.

Leaving Vancouver right after New Years is perfect timing in my opinion - the holiday season will afford us much time together but the brevity will numb the abrupt separation. There will be no time for tears and contemplation, only after-the-fact acknowledgement with no chances of repatriation hence making it easier for us all to get on with our lives.

Happy holidays all!

Home stretch

2008-11-24T23:26:00.000-08:00

With the present workload, I am gripped with the fear that I am meeting the wrong deadline; I am worried that I am not meeting deadlines that were supposed to have been met instead of working on what I am on. This semester has been quite the mystery. The papers write themselves so effortlessly and despite the 4 pending deadlines off the top of my head, I have just spent an entire evening watching TV. But about those papers, this term has been a breeze. Eight paged papers get done in two hours, reports in six, and term papers in three. Despite this seemingly careless attitude, my grades seem to say otherwise. With ONE WEEK away from being done with school, I am a little remorseful that I only learned this skill in my very last term; at the same time, I'm glad I learned this skill at all.

Time to start work. Coming in for the home stretch, baybeh!

A tribute to Forster

2008-11-05T14:00:00.000-08:00

Between Klein and Greenspan, I polished off another Forster within a week. It was a short read - but a most delicious one indeed. I borrowed it from Sar after I saw it sitting on her shelf when I went over for a second Diwali dinner. A Passage to India was my first Forster book. I don't remember now where I first heard of the book or of Forster as an author but when I found Passage to India in the thrift store for 50 cents, I thought 'why not?'.

A Passage to India was delectable. Forster has this uncanny ability to understand the human psyche and translate the very essence of being into words. His books are always short reads but his choice of words so exquisite - he conveys volumes of nuances and secrets within secrets with but a few choice words. Owing to a shared history of colonialism, many times throughout reading APassage to India I come across a passage that so describes exactly how I feel or have felt but have always encountered trouble when trying to relay my sentiments. The genius that is Forster lies in his ability to truly grasp the meaning to be both a British colonial figure and an Indian and to explicitly reveal the delicate game in which both are intertwined without being coarse or vulgar.

While I profess to having more in common with A Passage to India then to Maurice, Forster's account of a man's desires, wantings, impulses, repulses, and all that makes one human is incredibly touching. It reads like an open book - like an old friend recounting deep, dark secrets meant for your ears only. Most importantly, one finds oneself in a position of non-judgment. Despite Maurice's "erroneous" tendencies, one cannot help but feel his very pain or ecstacy; one finds oneself rooting for him, searching for ways in which his desires can be met and his happiness fulfilled.

Forster has a way of creating an intimate bond between reader and character, much like God himself.

I am truly warped

2008-10-27T07:15:00.000-07:00

I dreamt that in the heart of Central London, there is a pond where shrooms grow in abundance and "you literally buy it off stalls that are set up around the pond" (security guard in my dream, 2008). This place is called 'Your Bitches'.

Geeking

2008-10-22T20:39:00.000-07:00

Padahal, I have shit loads I should be doing instead of all the nonsense blog-surfing and Huffington Post I've been doing. On a more productive note, I ran today! It's not often that I run and admittedly, I didn't get far but it was a productive thing to do nonetheless. I'm also on a bit of a health binge. Not sure how long this will last but we'll see.

I'm excited for the plans that we've put in place. It will be sad but I like new beginnings and new places. It will also mean new people and some very good old friends so there is no fear! Right now, things are still up in the air; the clouds have yet to form but once they do, I will be more careless with my announcements.

Naomi Klein may just have changed the course of my life. It is still too early to say but if she indeed did, she will hear from me. I promise I will not let her go unappreciated. Honestly, I will be gifting a lot of Shock Doctrines this year. My next read is by Alan Greenspan. It will be an intellectual read-off!

Oh, the pain

2008-10-19T13:57:00.000-07:00

I'm down with a stomach bug. You know it's true because it's been confirmed by Google. On the upside, I am losing the weight I gained on the cruise and have been meaning to get rid off. On the flipside, I feel like shit.

Epiphany!

2008-10-16T23:36:00.000-07:00

The 1630 hours bus coming down the hill is always a bitch because it's always so full. I caught the intermediate bus (between 1630 and 1730) so it was less packed. Anyhow, I was thinking of all these firms I told myself I will apply to and couldn't quite decide which ones I like best. So I tried to imagine myself as the power tripping, Wall Street/Canary Wharf/Roppongi Hills/Lujiazui royalty hobnobbing employee (needless to say, avec perks) and the more I thought about it, the more I realised I don't want to work! I had an epiphany! Since markets are so shit anyways and my chances of scoring a sweet-ass job have been almost completely obliterated, I figure I have nothing to lose anyway and can afford to take some time off to explore my options. By that, I of course mean that I shall spend my days running around towns, both foreign and familiar, and spending someone else's money. Since the global economy is now teetering on the verge of a crisis comparable to the Great Depression, salvageable only by the Asian propensity to spend, I shall do my part as a citizen of this world to save the economy! I shall put aside my immediate hopes and dreams for the sake of future generations and fellow compatriots.

It's really quite benevolent, I think.

Crossroads

2008-10-14T18:19:00.000-07:00

I am at a bit of a crossroads. Two months away from pledging career loyalties, I am suddenly at a lost; you see, I am no longer sure of where my loyalties lie. This damned West Coast, socialist-friendly attitudes have infected me! As I am quick to announce once slightly intoxicated, I have always been pro laissez-faire, pro free trade, and anti government intervention in all things related to the economy. I believe the government ought to serve a regulatory role, with interventions restricted to mostly social institutions (e.g. education, health care, police). Of course, this is a rather naive notion for many reasons but my views are neither uncommon nor unsupported by popular policy.

However, my frequent interaction with self-righteous, self-proclaimed ethical bastards in school and Atena (who is NOT a self-righteous, self-proclaimed ethical bastard) have piqued my curiousity about what really goes on on the other side. So I picked up Naomi Klein's The Shock Doctrine at CostCo (an irony in its own right, actually, since Klein is anti-corporation) and at a discount price, if I may add, and she has single-handedly challenged what I thought were firm and just beliefs.

Having been educated in business school, any thoughts pertaining to ethics and the notion of "fairness" I countered with a sneer and condescension. There is a small but strong niche that believes that it is possible to do the right thing and remain profitable and this resilient bunch is often met with snide comments (mostly from the likes of yours truly). Nonetheless, I respect their commitment to fairness and justice and the well-being of others. Perhaps, from experience, I just cannot comprehend how one is able to get ahead in life without trampling on another in the scramble for scarce opportunities and resources.

Now, barely two months away from pledging career loyalties, I do not wish to pine after the corner office knowing full well that I may have to exercise options that will make the poor poorer in order to be conferred the corner office. But I still want the corner office, goddamnit! I am no longer certain what is right or wrong and it is both troubling and disturbing. I entered university with big, wet, shiny eyes and a bundle of aspirations and questions that I would have hopefully found the answers to by the time I leave; now it seems that I only have more questions and no one in sight with answers.

Duty of care (or lack, thereof)

2008-10-06T17:56:00.000-07:00

On my way home today, a man on the bus collapsed in what I assume to be a drunken stupor. According to passengers, he's a local bum - meaning that he is often seen on the same streets and his antics are well known to the people who frequent the area. This particular bum was known for his enthusiastic hand gestures and a tendency to spit.

Anyhow, I was reading when I heard him crash onto the ground. It didn't strike me instantaneously that I should help. Instead, I remained seated and waiting for others to respond. No one did. Eventually, the bus driver called for transit security and we all sat and waited till the next bus arrived and we made our escape.

At some point, I felt ashamed. For many reasons - for not helping a fellow person in need, for failing a fellow human being, for not stepping in his shoes, for failing to act instinctively, for failing my Pendidikan Moral lessons.

The question is, did I owe this stranger a care of duty? By virtue of being a fellow human being, was I in any way obligated to helping him? The duty of care is extended based on one party's benefit/advantage over others and thus has a responsibility towards the others to exercise that advantage/benefit in a way that will altogether avoid or minimize harm towards any innocent parties that may be affected. In this scenario, I had the advantage of sobriety and the capacity to help so did I/was I supposed/obligated to help? The thing is, if the situation was reversed and it was me on the ground, would anyone help? Did the fact that this particular person was a bum make a difference to the intention to help? Personally (and this is not an excuse), I have seen enough incidents involving bums to know that it could have turned ugly and I wanted to avoid a situation. But does that absolve me of my reluctance to help? Or compound it seeing as to how a bum is by default in a less advantageous position and therefore more needing of help?

To what degree does being a fellow human being impose on another to lend a helping hand when one is in need? I've experienced enough kindness in this city to know (and hope) that I would have reeived some measure of care if it had been me on the ground. And yet instead of coming to a stranger's need, I contemplated my own well-being and concluded that my own superseded someone else despite his hopeless situation. I am not proud of it and yet I can't and don't feel bad.

Tis

2008-10-04T15:05:00.000-07:00

It's been a while. School's alright. It's my first semester without any planned finals which also means I get done in less than two months. It's an exciting prospect; at the same time however, it also means I have shit loads of work to cram within these two months. But I only have classes twice a week which suits me quite fine, I have to say. Despite the many days of nothingness, time still flies by. Take yesterday for instance. I got up at 9:30, sat at my laptop and 8 episodes later, it was dinner time! Who would have thought?

Anyhow, Marco left last week to pursue greener pastures on the right side of the fence. I don't think I know anyone who went home as eagerly as he did. The people that have gone home have always done so begrudgingly and reluctantly - all for different reasons of course but begrudgingly and reluctantly all the same. I am quite happy for him, actually. In an ideal situation, I would do the same but of course, situations are not ideal.

Anyhow, nothing much has happened hence nothing much has been talked about. Ling came and gone. Marco's left. All my SFU kakis have graduated. Fall is here, winter is beckoning. I haven't worked in 2 weeks. I haven't been as up-to-date with my readings. I miss the girls. I watch too much TV.

That's it.

Filler post

2008-09-03T07:01:00.000-07:00

It's the hours before 9am that I most appreciate. It's the time before the rest of the world wakes up and chores are allowed to go undone because it's outside business hours. I monitor the clock constantly and make little whoops when I realise I still have more time before I need to get off my ass.

Anyhow, Alaska was quite nice. I wouldn't recommend a cruise though. I think we're quite through with cruises for a good number of years from now.

School starts tomorrow. It's back to the grind but not for long. And while I detest the cold weather, I can't quite remember the last time I've pulled on my Anna Sui boots and therefore am looking forward to fall/winter.

These shoes are hot

2008-08-17T19:33:00.000-07:00

*edited*

These days even blog-surfing has intentions. There is a noted change in the direction of my blog-surfing these days, mostly backed up by nobler (I use the term noble very loosely though) intentions.

Two days short of a week ago, the bigger picture was looking quite sterile and I wasn't looking forward to starting a job that I know I already hate. Then Fay came up with a brilliant idea and we've followed up on it with due diligence and now I'm excited again. I want to divulge because I can hardly contain myself but I don't want to put the horse before the cart. But wait for it, ya ya ya?

I have discovered the magic that is Payless Shoes thereby resulting in the purchase of these shoes (refer to picture) for only $28! Plagued by curiousity, I Google Lela Rose only to discover that Bergdorf stocks her too.

Photo credit: Payless Shoe Source

By noon tomorrow, I will be done with the Summer '08 term. In many respects, it is bittersweet. Bitter because I only have 2 weeks of worry-free days before the new term starts up and sweet because I have worry-free days at all. It also means I am one term closer to the sweet song of graduation.

I damn stress already. I also bought a pair of Converse for a price that I am now embarrassed to name because I Googled it in an attempt to find an image for my post only to realise that I fucken overpaid. Whilst the Converse website is retailing for the price that I paid for it, a lot of other sites are selling it for almost half less. Ciiiiibai. But I still heart my Converse.

I don't geddit

2008-08-12T12:55:00.000-07:00

how people who go overseas only make friends with people of the same race/nationality/ethnicity. I understand the support group that necessitates friends within close cultural proximity and saving the best for your fellow countrymen. But I've been blog surfing for a while, mostly reading up on people I used to know (yes, I'm a creeper - you can say it) who I now don't know anymore because we moved to different countries; and their blogs, while full of pictures and references to friends always point to the same thing: Asian friends. I don't geddit lor. Cibai, if you tell me you are in Taiwan or China, it's okay la kan. But how the fuck do you find 20 over Malaysian/Chinese people in Dublin? It's Dublin, for fucks sake! Even in Vancouver we find it so difficult to maintain membership in MASA and Dublin (from said friend's pics) looks like its a thriving hub of Malaysianism that I never knew existed. A part of me is jealous and another part of me finds this quite an incredulous phenomena.
I always imagine studying in Dublin would be damn sad for a Malaysian 'cause got no Malaysian food and cannot understand English because Irish people have stupid accents. But I think I've been proven wrong lor. Dublin looks damn happening leh - what with Sports Day la, Mid-Autumn festival la, Raya celebration and all. Cibaiiiiii.

Que sera sera

2008-08-08T15:40:00.001-07:00

So summer has come full circle. This time last year, I was on a flight back from Tokyo. I was also on flights bound for home and NYC. Andi and I just got back from NYC two nights ago. It was a sad realization for the both of us that the magic is now gone. Before, NYC used to hold a certain charm for the both of us - it was the city where we met, where courtship happened and affection blossomed. We lived out the early stages of our relationship in that city - a city from which neither one of us are native. We looked forward to the every other week that I would fly in. I remember being hardly able to contain my excitement at flying out the next day, even if it was just to spend the weekends at 745 7th Avenue. I ran around a lot on my own those days but my days in NYC always felt numbered and never lasted long enough. This time round, a week felt like forever and I missed the Pendrell Palace immensely. Before, we sat in quiet corners of plush bars, whispering and conspiring. We ran around town aimlessly, only to crash into bed at dawn. This time, NYC annoyed us and irked us with its hordes of tourists and rude citizens. The sweltering heat killed us and nothing and no one is good enough for us anymore.

Perhaps we've become cynical, jaded. Perhaps we've forgotten how to enjoy each others company in the absence of others. Perhaps living together has made us take for granted the pleasure afforded by just being together; now we look to plans and things to remind us of how much fun we can have. I don't know what it is, really; but we're glad to be home - our home.

How quickly another summer has come and is almost gone. A part of me is excited to only be four months away from graduation. The other part is sad to see the demise of long sunny days and dread the wind and rain that so often accompanies the Vancouver autumn. I might head home soon - a little bird tells me I am needed at home and experience has taught me to heed this bird.

Peanut Butter Cookies

2008-07-12T20:37:00.000-07:00

This one is for Atena who shares full well my passion for peanut butter cookies.

So it turns out I'm quite the cookie wizard. Save for that one time (I must stress that it was also a "collaborative" effort with Virginia) we tried chocolate raisin oatmeal, everything emerging from my oven has been a great success. I have also throw cookies away once but I must stress that it was really yummy but due to my lack of a proper cooling tray, it all ended up as one big contaminated slushy mess on the kitchen counter hence justified.

Li tried to scare me once by telling me that a passion for baking is indicative of a maturing biological clock but I refuse to buy into such myths! So yes, once again, my peanut butter cookies (courtesy of Unilever and available here) are suuuper yummy and they look JUST like the picture!

Hurrah!

Is it Any Wonder

2008-06-30T00:45:00.000-07:00

Further blog surfing has made me realise that:

It's a small world after all

Despite the well-intended connotations of friendliness and familiarity associated with the song, I am very uncomfortable knowing that my peers back home are separated by very small degrees.

It seems almost impossible to meet strangers anymore. I opine that it is invasive as information re: oneself and others get passed on so carelessly, especially since everyone is "one of my closest friends". I used to think Vancouver was small but being a FOB has its rewards in anonymity.

You see, I enjoy meeting complete strangers, getting to know another person without any sort of attachment lent by "oh-I-know-XXX-too, he/she-is-one-of-my-closest-friends!". I like hearing about people's stories and experiences from they themselves, not from a third party. I want to hear about both good and bad news from the involved parties, not from known busybodies.

Most of all, I appreciate being given a fair opportunity to present myself to another person without preconceived judgment or biases, and starting on a clean slate.

I don't miss home all that much after all

With the exception of the likes of Suz, Li, Matt, BK and a certain few variously dispersed relatives, I don't miss being home as much as I thought I would/did. I miss the food terribly but even so, not enough to make me wish I was home.

Instead, I want to move again as soon as I can to re-live the experience of up-rooting and adapting and living all over again. Except this time, I'll befriend cooler people, avoid the mistakes of first timers and I won't be doing it alone or be accountable to anyone except myself.

It used to be that blogs made me wish I was back home so I could partake in all the coolness that thrives even in my absence; these days, I spend 20 hours of a day in bed and still feel cooler than the people on these blogs.

Filler post

2008-06-25T20:25:00.000-07:00

Will & Grace will be the death of me! Unlike test season Gossip Girl, this sitcom lasted well over 6 seasons (I'm moving into the 7th now, I know) causing me to not want to leave my bed(s) and when I do leave, to imitate Jack MacFarland every chance I get. I should be done my executive report by now, goddamnit. On the bright side, my toilet is clean and my delicates have been handwashed so really, I haven't been all that useless. As for my executive report, I already know what I want to write about so really, it's more than half done I say!

Anyways, Andi's friend from uni is staying with us tomorrow night and we're carting an entourage to Seattle on Saturday to send Atena and Sarika off to Montreal. I am playing tour guide to some family friends tomorrow and I'm looking forward to running around in the sun.

Eat that!

2008-06-21T15:49:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those rare Saturdays, planned and thought ahead of in time, with activities to fulfill in a somewhat timely manner and all I want to do is stay home with David Ricardo, Heckscher and Ohlin. They are not terribly exciting but its one of those Saturdays in which I am not up for anything remotely exciting.

I have a long list of boring chores that needs to get done, including a toilet that needs a good scrubbing, recycling alcohol bottles and stewing in my own filth. Somewhere in the city, people are laughing while nursing a glass of red and all I want to do is bake. Yes, bake. I can bake. Yes, yes, I can. And my cookies are afuckenmazing.

Sun of a bitch

2008-06-10T00:04:00.000-07:00

Once again, the fleeting summer has passed us by. Honestly, the sun can be so rude sometimes! He (because like the rest of the male race, the sun can be such a jerk!) waltzes into town with nary a warning and blind us with his bright but oh-so-warm rays, lighting up the light in our sun-deprived lives. Just as we've passed the niceties and thrills of first kisses, we shed our jackets and coats, ready to make passionate, reckless love under its bright rays, the sonofabitch walks away from us, leaving us high and dry. How rude!

Anyhow, tis been a shitty week. Nothing particularly bad has happened, I just feel like shit. I missed class last week, only to discover that I didn't miss much after all. I am not quite sure if or not that is an assuring thought. Anyhow, with my second to last term being summer, I really can't be all that bothered. An 'A' here and there, and I'll be golden. It's funny how being so close to graduating, I don't give a damn about the Honour's List anymore.

Being so close to graduating has also forced me to contemplate my next choice of action. It's a little intimidating not knowing what I want to happen 6 months from now; seeing as to how I've always known what I want all my life. And it's true. Up until now, my plans have fallen into place; however, I didn't count on nor did I factor in the impact of variable change into the equation. Now, with a semester and a half left before I walk away from school, I don't know where to go next. You see, I much rather be spoilt for choice than have to blaze my own goddamn trail.

It's only the beginning of the week. I really ought to be happier. Perhaps another day in bed will do me good.

Late Night Conversations

2008-05-31T02:25:00.000-07:00

"Hmm, is that the firetruck?"

"Yeap, the firetruck's going home".

It's been quite the month. The weather turned warm quite suddenly without warning; and in an act of rebellion, became cold again today despite fierce sunshine in the late afternoon. Walking home from Natasa's, I tutted at stupid girls who chose to ignore nature's warning and donned tiny skirts/shorts/tanks. Crossing Granville stank of booze. It was quite strange actually. The stench of alcohol was so saturated, so pervasive, so tell-tale of the debauchery and shit that happens along that dirty street. And all so strange because I've never actually smelled alcohol in the air before.

Oh, so I got the interpreter job. In fact, my first assignment was the very next day. I was a little traumatized by the experience, actually. It turned out that my "client" and I were separated by one degree, one rather high-profile, well connected degree if I may add, which made me question my choice of occupation. Nonetheless, it pays well so I shan't complain.

By the way, it's spelled "shan't", not "shalln't" (Pango: that's a kind of onion). It's not, if you're wondering. It's shallot.

I'm back now

2008-05-10T08:41:00.001-07:00

I forgot about this blog, actually, while I was away. But I'm back now; sans updates, however. Nothing much has happened since we arrived home. Jet-lag was terrible this time. I don't remember the last time I was hit with jet-lag (oh wait, I was in NY - I remember now!) but this time was exceptionally bad. Anyhow, my life has taken on some semblance of normalcy so it's all good.

I'm interviewing at the Canadian Courts on Wednesday for the position of an on-call Malay interpreter.

Sorry for the month-long hiatus but I'm back now.

Homeward bound!

2008-04-15T02:37:00.000-07:00

Exams are almost over; with 312 almost done away with, I expect 303 to go by quicker. The plan is to get with the girls before leaving. I quite like these going-away things. It makes flying alone so much less lonely and so much more anticipatory. My summer schedule is all figured out so coming back will be nice and smooth. Work is all sorted, so is the furniture. I feel like I can relax now save for the 2 remaining exams.

It used to be that the course of life concerned itself only with the present and the short-term. Now, I worry about the coming back before even leaving. Nonetheless, having suffered first-hand the perils of ill-planning, I applaud and really am quite proud of my time orientation skills and ability to adapt as such (to borrow the language of organizational management).

I look forward to seeing my loves again, reveling in all that is familiar, near and dear.

1181 Davie St

2008-04-07T00:31:00.000-07:00

So I never made it to the Four Seasons BUT! what I did do though was spend both Friday and Saturday night in the presence of hawt hawt hawt homosexual men at 1181. It was one of my most pleasant bar experiences to date. People were genuinely nice despite their disinterest in my gender; men, young and old alike but all hot, consistently offered us girls seats, made way for us at the bars and humoured our straight antics. A major plus point: the bar takes Interac. The female bartender was suuper nice and concocted a delish drink for us as well. So I may not have gotten my Calvados but I got a Prettyboy and that was good enough for me this weekend.

Nonetheless, I vow to take Kapooks to the Four Seasons in celebration of our having achieved a whole new level of honest affection sans alcohol. See you all there this Saturday?

I'll be at the Four Seasons Saturday night

2008-04-03T23:36:00.000-07:00

I declare tomorrow to be my "power study/study power (depends on your level of grammatical proficiency. Due to my Malaysian loyalties, I am of the opinion that both terms are grammatically correct) day". The plan is to be up by 8 am, get the lease by 9, email it to Montreal snap snap, grab a couple of bubble teas, and head to the office by noontime. Need a few signatures here and there, then head off to a coffee place (I am quite feeling Artigiano right now) to studyyy. The plan is to be done with 393 by tomorrow. Tomorrow will be infinitely more productive than today has been, I am sure of it.

For some reason, I very enthusiastically made plans for this weekend which still looks quite feasible. I am not sure how this works but it just might. Anyhow, the plan is to be seen with some calvados because really, calvados solves all problems. If calvados if good enough for Ravic, and God Almighty knows Ravic had some very serious problems!, then calvados is good enough for me.

Good night, world. We'll speak again tomorrow. Oh and Tunatic is the shit!!

Orange Moon

2008-03-31T21:55:00.000-07:00

This cannot be healthy: a combination of Portishead and Jeff Buckley, demotivation and the stench of stale cigarettes. Seriously though, I am not jaded/depressed or anything like that. I'm just plain lazy. Ffffuck!

On a healthier note, Mikey dear is coming over with bubbletea and a stack of work; hopefully, this will force me to confront my impeding doom that is the IS101 final and spur me into an action plan. Then we will study study study until morning light and all will be well again.

Once again, Daddy came to my rescue re rent and instead of staying up all night worrying how to make rent, I can study with ease of mind and spend tomorrow in bed! I love Daddy!

I walked by the heritage building across my apartment today. In the light of day, it is less imposing and regale as I remembered it to be in the rain and storm 2 days ago. In the bright sunshine, all its imperfections shone and it lost its regality. In the light of day, everything that is perfect is made even more perfect and imperfections are forced into confessions. In the stormy dark, it looked strong and solid, testament to the years that it has stood there. In short, it has earned its position. In the sunshine, I saw through its cracks and was gobsmacked by the weariness of age.

I doubt if I will ever look at that building in the same light again. I'll take a picture tomorrow. Mini trivia: this is the building that was Scully's (of X-Files) home in the series. It's still a pretty building nonetheless. I remember when I was first house-hunting in the neighbourhood and I called the posted number only to be told that I couldn't and wouldn't be able to afford to live in that building. At that time, I was so infatuated with the building that the insult didn't sting one bit (and that he was right - I couldn't afford it). Now I walk by it everyday and its charm has been lost on me.

Meh.

Oh Vancouver

2008-03-29T21:20:00.000-07:00

Photo credit: Ah Fay

How do I love thee/let me count the ways

You snow in spring time
You rain incessantly
You make people contemplate suicide 10 times in a day
You hail in the mid of day
Only in you do I find the sight of bums familiar
You close down half the mental hospitals in the city, forcing mental patients into the corner of desperation, pain and wasting
Your dream come true is the Winter fucking Olympics
Your refusal to acknowledge the poverty and depravity that exists in the heart of your very bosom
The murderous sprees you spawn
The Church of Scientology and it's free stress tests
Your banning of public smoking
Your advertising and observance of Earth Hour

Oh Vancouver/ I shall but love thee better after death

Sarika

2008-03-27T16:59:00.001-07:00

I dedicate this post to Sarika, who sits here cursing and swearing. She is my neighbour and weirdo who roars. She laughs recklessly, just like her hair.

If I had to describe her hair in one word, that would be it: reckless. Sarika is quite graceful though a little gangly.

Her strut is quite hot. And she likes Earl Grey Tea black. She mistakes happy sighs for size and says oh when she's startled and has to cry.

Malaysian Dreamgirls

2008-03-15T00:29:00.000-07:00

The basic rundown is that Malaysian media, acting in true accordance to its phony, warped ideas of what the free press is, has a new reality show titled Malaysian Dreamgirls. It chronicles the lives of 12 girls who aspire to be successful models. Put simply, it is the Malaysian version of America's Next Top Model minus the professionalism. Also, it is only aired online so as to circumvent the censorship board therefore allowing the exposure of flesh by Muslims and non-Muslims alike.

Curiosity got the better of me and I have just wasted the better half of a Friday night (on St. Paddy's weekend no less) watching every posted episode. Now it was all fine and dandy - I even forgave the shoddy camera work and the perverseness that is Kenny Sia - until I got to Episode 4. The first competitive photoshoot that will result in one girl being voted out was lingerie themed. This pisses me off ROYALLY. It is vulgar, obscene, and downright disrespectful.

The proponents of "free, uncensored" press in Malaysia seem to equate free with nudity or partial nudity. It disgusts me that these women - all intelligent and beautiful in their own right - are made to parade in front of a camera with next to nothing on for the purpose of judgment. No consideration for intellect, virtue or graces. Now, one may argue that modelling requires none of these but if such is true, then why have short or unfit girls made the cut? It is highly hypocritical to speak of modelling as a successful, enhancing career if one is reduced to the status of an object.

I love the fashion world and I think modelling is extremely glamorous; a world I am just not tall enough to belong to. My objections are not with the notion of modelling, but herein lie with the producers of Malaysian Dreamgirls who propogate a warped idea of modelling through this reality show series. They seem to forget that Malaysians are essentially a conservative society; we value virtue and modesty. Requiring girls to pose in lingerie - an attempt to "fit in" with the rest of the modelling world - is a crude, vulgar expression of rebellion that is shameful and distasteful. Forcing the audienceship (an audienceship that determines the show's success no less) to swallow profanity at the expense of being branded "backward and kolot" is disrespectful and reflective of the immaturity of the media. It is for precisely such reasons that the media ought to be heavily regulated.

With great freedom, comes great responsibility. The ability to circumvent censorship by airing online does not release one of that responsibility; contrarily, it is in a free arena that one ought to display exemplary behaviour thereby marking one as great and truly deserving of freedom.

Once again, the Malaysian media has proven itself unfit. Beneath the facade of "progress", the true notion being propogated here is that sex sells. And the price is RM1 per sms.

Week #10

2008-03-10T23:44:00.000-07:00

In the past 15 days or so that I have neglected my loyal readership (all of which, sadly with the exception of Suzi :((((, are responsible for keeping me away in the first place), I have been busy with school and a little socializing. We had a mini initiating rite at the apartment where all of Vancouver's finest were in attendance.

Re the General Election, I am very excited about the revolutionary change that Malaysia is currently undergoing. This unprecedented outcome, to me, represents an increasing awareness and more importantly, the motivation to initiate change. I am insurmountably proud of my fellow countrymen, who through the exercise of freedom of choice, vocalized their exhaustion at being trampled upon and exploited. Our complacency legitimized the many problems and issues that plague(d) Malaysia; it was a collective mistake. But it's never too late to correct wrongs and the GE results are reflective of our keinsafan and marks the beginning of real change.

I am very optimistic and possess unwavering faith in my homeland. In times of true desperation, it has stepped up and proved itself; it can and will continue to do so.

Angels in Disguise

2008-02-28T20:15:00.000-08:00

I doubt that KimTheBoss will ever find this but in the event that she ever does, led by the hand of faith, she should know that I think of her as the best boss everrrr! She and I (me and her), we're bff!!! My Asian work ethics taught me to exercise caution and maintain a high power distance when I first started working for her but her shining star personality has managed to penetrate my strict code and broke down the barrier that stood between us. She is single-handedly responsible for my sanity at this time; as people all around me are tearing their hair out by the chunks, I am singing (albeit to the tune of Gary Jule's Mad World which is a problem in its own right) and taking leisurely smoke breaks.

Now please excuse me while I go make shepherd's pie because KimTheBoss said I can!

11 days later

2008-02-24T17:08:00.000-08:00

The toilet has been washed, the floors and carpets hoovered and invisible boundaries recognised. I never used to need a kitchen, now it is the focal point of the apartment. It is somewhat comforting to have familiar foods in the pantry, and the knowledge of comfort food being only an hour of a process away. Friends have come by in little drones and they never seem to mind the lack of furniture. We've already received our first noise complain.

That aside, the weather is warming up. Spring is in the air, I can feel it in my bones. So could Ah Fay. So we trooped down to Granville Island yesterday where Andi and I filled up with cheeses and meats while Fay documented our mini adventure.

I am however, terribly sick of the routine that is work and school. I dread the beginning of each week and weekends fail to excite me anymore because I know all too well that it will be gone in a flash and I am back where I started: Monday. It is positively sickening.

On a happier note, our furniture should arrive in a week or two and the parties will begin and hopefully then I won't be so jaded. It's a sad day when 21 year olds with every piece of life fitting into place fails to recognise her good fortune because of cynicism.

Scared shitless.

2008-02-13T23:37:00.000-08:00

So many tasks and thoughts and so little time.

It's been a long day. Wednesdays almost always follows a sequence in which two outcomes prevail:

Full day at work, followed by class. I arrive home exhausted and drained, fall asleep immediately and wake up feeling more tired than I did the night before.
Full day at work, followed by class. I arrive home exhausted, drained and jaded as fuck. Stay up contemplating shit-all scenarios, lose myself in Mary Louise Parker, and wake up the next day feeling shittier than I did the day before.

To be fair, I am handling this 16 hour day quite well considering that I have not abandoned it altogether. The past two weeks of snow days provided much needed respite from the grind and it makes me feel self-important to throw myself into it again.

Andi arrives tomorrow. In one swooping notion, we've changed the course of our lives. I am terrified. So many what-ifs, not enough time to explore them all. Just as many but-ifs, not enough time to list them all. I ought to be excited and I really am but it's having a hard time trying to come through. The truth is, I am exhausted, drained and jaded as fuck.

Slut of the week

2008-02-09T13:56:00.000-08:00

In honour of Dlisted's (or it could be Perez, I don't remember) title of the same name, I present to you my neighbour from the West End.

Thanks, Mike!

Roneryyy

2008-02-04T19:16:00.000-08:00

To the tune of Akon's song by the same name (I have a strong feeling I am wrong about the song title and the artist but you know which one I'm talking about) and to the phonetics of Kim Jong Il:

Rroneryyy/ I am so rroneryyy/
I have nobahh-dee/ to call my ownnn/

CNY in 3 days. Gong Xi Fa Cai all!

Whirlwind

2008-02-02T21:43:00.000-08:00

is a popular word these days. I used it to describe my year thus far, Mr. Pang used it to describe his stint in New York and I feel like I'm sitting in the eye of one.

This week whizzed by rather quickly. Marked by two snow days and a step forward in my future, I am grateful for the chance to slow down, enjoy being around people again and do four loads of laundry. My nears and dears annoyed me this week but it's nice because it just means I've seen and spoken to enough of them to let them under my skin. It's nice to let people under your skin sometimes.

I expect this week to fly back even quicker. So much to be done, so little time.

Cubbing!

2008-01-27T15:16:00.000-08:00

The days zoom right by so quickly; and that's just fiiine by me! The countdown to 2 weeks has officially begun and it's all I talk about these days. Mr. Pang arrives on the 9th and moves on the 10th. While our furniture won't arrive for 5 weeks, we rationalize that we won't need furniture for parties so we're golden indeed.

Last night was the first time I've gone out since the new year started. The year has been a whirlwind of work and school.

I foolishly assumed the part of Superwoman and consequently, threw myself into a downward spiral of responsibilities, worries and wrinkles. I was depressed, irritable and exhausted.

In the spirit of a cure-all, Sarika darling brought together our closest and dearest and mostest for a filthy night of debauchery.

We littered Gastown with vulgar expletives and cigarette butts, revealed our dirtiest sexual exploits to the cabbie, and gratefully (albeit not too gracefully) accepted warm tea towels from the manager of the late night Chinese joint.

Despite the failure of "newly acquired friendships", it's nice to know we all had someone to go home with/to last night.

Charity shoppers

2008-01-21T21:28:00.000-08:00

I am in class. Dressed in a sky-blue Brook's Brothers cardigan buttoned to my collar bone, the sleeves end precisely where they should and my black boots start from the perfect hem. Surrounding me, in a semi-circle facing the board, are my peers decked out in their charity shop clothes. Mind you, not the Regent St charity shop, but the other charity shops on Main St.

I am enrolled in an international studies class as an elective, the topic being global conflict. It is a pseudo-subject, a quack course, if you must. It has all the pretense of a serious class concerning itself with the state of the world and the resolution of conflict over the course of the contemporary world. It's subscribers are the artsy (and kitschy) kind who spurt theories and tainted versions of history like they wrote it themselves the night before. The arrogant, full-of-shit ones are the easiest to distinguish: they come to class dressed in hemp and carry cloth bags adorned with psychedelic art/ethnic or tribal designs/environment or political messages. More often than not, they possess what in their opinion are edgy or norm-defining haircuts though it is plain to see that it is but an amateur version of Kelly Osbourne's bob. But most annoying of all, these people refuse to shut the fuck up. They are rude, self-absorbed, have no respect for anyone else's opinion and insensitive to the diversity that makes up a classroom. It is shameful that the learning process is impeded, retarded even, by the disgraceful pompous attitudes of a few.

I personally believe that university is the breeding ground of genius and academic excellence and profound wisdom is evident in both our tutors and our peers (given, not all but the notion of respect and equality calls for such an assumption until proven wrong). We are granted equal access to the pursuit of knowledge and therefore each opinion, whether declared with a squeak or bellowed thunderously, must be weighed with equitable consideration - even if just meeting with courtesy's demands. Therefore I am often disgusted by attitudes that in my opinion festers ignorance (failure to correct aforementioned asswipe is considered an accomplice and hence, asswipe by association) and violates the value of another person's opinion.

Interestingly, my encounters with asswipes occur mostly in the arts courses. I have no prevailing theory or hypothesis to explain this phenomena except to say that lousy fashion choices and lice-infested hair does not justify bad attitudes!

The Picture of Dorian Gray

2008-01-17T20:52:00.000-08:00

My mind is chain-smoking. It lights up before the previous cigarette dies, scared and frightened that the dying of one flame is indicative of the end of something(s) bigger.

I quote Oscar Wilde: "Don't talk about such horrid subjects. If one doesn't talk about a thing, it has never happened. It is simply expression, as Harry says, that gives reality to things".

Expression comes in many forms these days: an email that goes without reply here and unanswered phone calls there.

But shh, be quiet now. We mustn't talk about horrid things. If we choke expression and strangle acknowledgment, maybe Harry is right after all and Dorian is neither affected nor spoilt.

And we are all sinners.

GG vs. Spooks

2008-01-14T20:02:00.000-08:00

My newest obsession is Gossip Girl; now, this is not to say that I have kicked Spooks into the dirt. However, allow me to justify my choice. First and foremost, I am not allowed to relish in the enjoyment that is Spooks on my own.

Secondly, Spooks is almost always a precise 60 minutes long (give and take 20 seconds) since BBC has no commercials while Gossip Girl is only 40 minutes at most (it's slowly dwindled from 42 mins to 38 mins). Therefore, in the time that it takes me to go through 3 episodes of Spooks, I can instead watch 4 of Gossip Girl.

Thirdly, the outfits on GG lend so much more credibility to the show. The fucked-up-ness annoys me after a while (what's with Rufus and Lily?!?) but then the clothes serve as a worthy distraction and all is forgiven. Whereas Tom, Harry, Zoe and Danny have worn the same thing for more than 6 months now. I also disapprove of bad personal hygiene as evidenced through the cast of Spooks.

Fourthly, Spooks requires a vast amount of concentration whereas the producers of GG understand that their audience consists of mostly idiots and have kindly provided "last week's episode" bits to refresh memories which in my opinion, is very helpful indeed.

Last but not least, simply finding a decent video of GG is SO MUCH easier compared to Spooks.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to find out if or not Blair is pregnant.

Phew

2008-01-08T15:59:00.000-08:00

It's only been 2 days and already it feels like I've never left. This is all rather exciting. Mr. Pang finally gave me a date so we've been apartment-hunting (via Craigslist - which in my opinion is a godsend!) quite vigorously.

Also, I have been surprisingly neat since arriving home. I scare myself sometimes. And somewhat organized. My mother would be very proud if she saw me now.

This post I dedicate to Kapooks who gnarled at me last night "why have you not posted anything?". Truth is, nothing much has happened. Also, I am not witty when I am happy/sedated/jet-lagged.

It's been snowing thus everything looks pretty. But fuck, it's cold!

I have an appalling total of 50 pictures from London and New York, none of which are interesting. Also, I have more pictures of Rob than I have of anyone else. Odd.

Happy Birthday, Homeboy

2007-12-25T15:00:00.000-08:00

I'm tired, irritable and sad.

Being a stranger in someone else's home makes me miss home very much even though there isn't much to miss. Seeing Kaimah leave always strikes my little heart with a pang of sadness because it is like watching my own mother leave. And once again, I shut down a little part of me, plaster a smile on my face and behave agreeably.

At least the turkey turned out good.

Happy Christmas everyone!

Shite

2007-12-21T05:45:00.001-08:00

In London to see the Pango's family. It's not fair that everyone oohs and aahs at Andi's accent in NY/YVR but here no one is impressed by my North American accent.

The plan is to videoblog London so if we remember, we'll have tons to post!

Promise to blog soon. I know Kapooka misses my witty banter and crude jokes.

NYC

2007-12-12T08:31:00.000-08:00

I'm baaack!!

Virgi, come quick quick!!!

Happy Holidays

2007-12-10T01:49:00.000-08:00

I'm done for the term. No giddy excitement, no clubbing nights planned, no weed binges to crash. This term, it all came to a quiet, calm close. In comparison with past terms, all that remains wild is my anticipating heart awaiting the arrival and execution of meaningful events that just might have an impact on the rest of my life.

On the smaller scheme of things, Virgi will be in NY with me! I leave on noon, Tuesday, and will be away for a whole month. In between, Andi and I head to London to see the 'rents and I will finally meet Alex.

Another year has come full circle, another term is done. How quickly it has all gone by, and how suddenly my life has changed.

February is only two months away, less now.

The 135

2007-12-05T23:27:00.000-08:00

First final tomorrow. It's kinda nice to only have two finals. Can't say I've been here before. In retrospect, I am not quite sure how I managed 9 exams (or did I take 10, I don't remember) in 3 weeks at the tender age of 17 (note to Kapooks: it was the secondary school leaving examinations - the equivalent of provincials except that ours was at a national level meaning that all 17 year olds across the country were taking exams at the same time; and yes there were ten TEN (!) subjects - 8 of which I aced! Asian power yo!)

Anyhow, I am exhausted. Drained. A year ago, I was in second year and the reality of uni hadn't hit yet. I was off to Edmonton to a dry and cold Christmas and nothing quite mattered then. Now, a year away from graduating, life feels a little daunting and walking home alone has never felt more lonely and vulnerable. Making my own way home before used to induce in me a sort of a grown-up feeling: being able to decide what time I would leave (or not leave) and how I would commute home. It made me feel responsible and brave, a self reference to my being in charge of my own self and I loathed the scolding because it represented doubt and distrust.

Now no one is quite so surprised anymore and taxis are deemed a waste of money. I've learned to always carry an umbrella, make pretend conversation with myself and make my presence known to the bus driver.

And I want nothing more than to be chaperoned home.

Final week

2007-12-03T16:44:00.000-08:00

I'm channeling Louis Vuitton's "sometimes home is just a feeling". I spent the weekend in Richmond, which provided some respite from the cold, sorry nights I spend alone in the apartment. Plus, it was nice to be eating three (and oftentimes, more) square meals again. We got dumped over the weekend which then turned into rain so all the snow got washed away. Pretty fucken pointless, if you ask me. It doesn't even look cute on the ground, it's all just dirty and disgusting.

Anyhow, this week can't go by any quicker. It's nice to know that all I have left to do is study and I'll be done. I am also convinced my boss is an angel sent from above with telepathic abilities. However, this also means that I am way behind my debt repayments and at the rate that I am going I'll probably never pay it back on time. But I love my boss! Damnit!

Oh and my first final is on the same day as the office Christmas party. Damnit.

Week #13

2007-11-28T00:06:00.000-08:00

The countdown to two weeks is ridden with a slight conflict and a little tug at the strings of my heart that I try to pretend are not there.

I wish people would stop trying to make friends with me. I hate the pretense that goes into small talk, or the exhaustive search for a common topic in hopes of sparking a conversation and I cannot hide the annoyed expression that I wear when someone says something stupid and ignorant. Which is pretty fucken often. I wish people would realise what idiots they truly are and make an effort to educate themselves before saying something stupid and betray themselves completely.

I am a little saddened that I won't be here for Nutcracker with Framily. Or go ice-skating with Sarika and hold her hand so she doesn't fall and open herself to the risk of having her fingers sliced off while she attempts to pick herself up from the ice. Or sit around a tree and exchange techniques on how to be on top.

Most of all, I am impatient. I am impatient for the term to end so I can give my heart away this Christmas and have it returned in a pretty pink box adorned with jewels and ribbon.

Filler post

2007-11-21T10:42:00.000-08:00

I let Air Canada trample all over me and now I will be in NY till the weekend! I can't say I am upset because it's nice to be able to get away. So maybe it will require a little of hassle and extra hours of work (sans textbook) but it's all worth it! Days go by so quickly now. It's nice to not have any appointments and to be alone in a different city. I'm not bored yet; I doubt if I will have time to be.

Last Friday Pango got courtside (courtside yo!) tickets to the Nets against Magic game.

It was fucken surreal to see the players so up close and personal. We could hear the calls, the grunts of frustrations, the expressions of elation and more.

Pictures are courtesy of the Pango's iPhone which I have made mine for the duration that I am here.

Seasonal Affective Disorder

2007-11-13T14:02:00.000-08:00

Life is falling into place. It is as if everything and everyone arrived at a collective epiphany - kinda like simultaneous orgasms, you know? Which if I may insert, are the best kinds though I am unsure if that transfers into this situation- and dutifully took their place, bearing in mind to do so discreetly so as not to frighten or shock me but to allow me to come to my own realisation at my own time. They make their presence known in little ways: an otherwise negligible comment here and a seemingly routine email there.

But their presence is undeniable and the silence they proffered displayed their resolve to stay. I suppose I have my part to play in all of this: one or two decisions here and there, a little planning for now and beyond. But for it all to bloom into tangible evidence so quickly is still a bit overwhelming. I underestimated the power of action.

A part of me is a little unnerved by this neat and almost sterile big picture. I rather miss chaos, irregularity, not knowing what I will wake up to tomorrow (or where I will wake up for that matter). I thrive on that drama shit, you know? And yet I am unable to concentrate in a room that is disorganized. I make to do lists and tick them off but I like leaving mugs sitting on my table.

2 Andi 2 days 2 Andi

2007-11-13T00:05:00.001-08:00

It's been a long day. To take my mind off things and to enable sleep, I cleaned the iron. I scrapped and waxed and wiped. And my inner domestic self swelled with pride.

On nights such as these, the pervasive scent of stale cigarettes is most comforting.

The paper

2007-11-10T14:56:00.000-08:00

It saddens me to know that on the rare sunny day in god forsaken Vancouver, I spent the entire time indoors correcting bullshit handed to me by trailer park trash. And in 2.5 hours, I will have to see said trailer park trash and fight to maintain some sort of decorum whilst attempt to diplomatically convey to her her level of stupidity and ignorance.

Once I'm done that, I will have to sit at my desk for the next 6 hours or so and brainstorm a marketing proposal. And start on another 20 page paper detailing said marketing proposal.

And to relax, I get to do data entry! Whoop!

On a happier note, I don't have to go into the office on Monday which means I get to sleep in; having said that however, no work also means no pay. This debt is gonna take a while.

But but but it's Reka's birthday today(!) so we're all going out and Sarika and Atena and Tara and Ana and Reka and Natasa ALWAYS makes me happy! :))) Then it's off to Jerm's tomorrow afternoon for some family fun times!

I'll make up for it with sleep time.

Emotions Run High

2007-11-08T11:08:00.000-08:00

I was recounting my coffee story to a particular friend yesterday evening when he interrupted my ranting with that statement "emotions run high". But it feels fffucken good to pass on the emotional baton; having confronted my inner demons [admittance (not to be confused with confession) is underrated, and so is closure], I realise I can honestly say now, "I don't care".

In retrospect, I am quite proud of the way I handled the situation. That is not to say I didn't waver nor did I doubt myself, because I did, but it all turned out peachy. The timing could not have been more right. The reaction, fucken priceless. Classic.

That aside, it's Thursday now which means in exactly a week, I will be on a plane to my boo! I haven't been to NY in a while so I'm more than just a little excited. Vegas was good but NY will always be special just because it has nurtured so many memories, all good. Ho will arrive on Saturday night so we get to play tour guide for a couple of days.

Every thing's falling into place, just the way they were meant to be, and I made it on time this time (sticky fingers and all)!

Fresh new shit

2007-11-06T23:55:00.000-08:00

Every now and then, I like to discard my junk and start off on a clean slate. It's a sad thing but that always entails throwing out some good ones with the bad. Though to be fair, there were more bad posts than there were good ones. Safe for the one on my granny; I really liked that one. And the moth post was laugh-out-loud material, my finest moment yet.

Anyhow, shit has to be flushed down the toilet eventually.

But lo and behold, fresh water!

p/s: Did you know that the water in your toilet comes from the same source as the tap water you drink?